(and the God honest truth that’ll set you free)

We are masters of the blame game, condemners of the worst kind, us women. We unintentionally keep boxing gloves on the ready, not for exercise, or to beat on others, but to beat up ourselves! 

Something goes wrong in our world and bam! A flurry of internal shame, blame and the who dun ‘it game goes round and round in our heads like the circling birdies of our favorite cartoon character being stunned by a ridiculous blow. 

And it’s not just you. Research shows women naturally blame themselves, going inward, while men blame their outward circumstances or “bad luck.” This is particularly pronounced in high-achieving women, when all things held constant, blame themselves when experiencing failure for lack of talent, despite scoring on par with men.

This internal mixtape whirring in our heads is feeding us lies. And we’re buying it, singing its lyrics back to ourselves and moving to its beat. It’s time to disrupt these soul-deep inner thought loops that easily entangle us from living out our full potential and purpose. From our living room to the board room, let’s break down the lies, rather than ourselves, to lean into the truth of who we are.

TRUTH OR A LIE?

LIE: I am what I do.

How would you introduce yourself if you can’t talk about what you do? If mums the word about the load on your plate, the people you are responsible for and your day-to day tasks, what would you say?

Basically: Who are you without what you do? 

Our identity can get so tangled up in what we do that when/if that gets pulled out from under us, we don't know who we are. “We limit ourselves by our exterior lives, [but] we are layers deep in the most beautiful way" says author, podcaster and songwriter, Christy Nockels.

TRUTH: Work is worship.

Work can’t bear the weight of the entirety of who we are. It’s not a personal identifier but a good design and gift from God. While in this world work can get twisted up and made a mess of, it doesn’t define us. Work is a way to worship the God who created us, using your unique gifts, talents and abilities to magnify Him for His glory, not your own. You are far more precious to him than your output. 

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. - Colossians 23-24 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. - Ephesians 2:8-10 

LIE: It’s all up to me.

You’ve heard it. "No one is coming to save you." Spoiler alert: Someone already has. And it isn't you. This kick-in-the-pants motto communicates it's all on you.

Pull up your tired bootstraps, dig in and get busy. This life is all up to your effort, abilities and discipline. Strive, push, conquer.

Agency has its rightful place, yes, but a beautiful truth is missing. It doesn't come down to how much water you drink (yes, you'll probably feel better) or color coding of your time-blocked calendar (kudos to you if you're there). 

Saving comes down to surrender (not striving). It's counterintuitive. The key that unlocks it all - at work, at home - isn't found inside you. 

TRUTH: God’s got it.

The good news? It's not up to you to get it together. We are designed for community. No need to bear the burden of all the things on our own. And the best part? Someone 𝘩𝘢𝘴 come on your behalf. He's a person, God with flesh on. His name is Jesus. He’s the Savior of the world. He can handle the weight of yours.

It's your choice whether to accept the rescue. He's come. He already made the save.

Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. - Isaiah 53:3-6 

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! Philippians 2:6-8

LIE: You are enough.

This anthem is across all the social channels on memes, images and even coffee mugs. It’s a lie. It’s not true. 

We are people with boundaries and limits. Our physical bodies, our time, our capacity, energy, attention span. We are penned in for our good.

The guard rails on the highway? They keep us safe, on track to our destination, rather than on the side of the road into hazardous conditions with our vehicle.

And that’s what our limits do, too. They limit us. And that’s a good thing. It’s OK to come to the end of yourself. We aren’t meant to be all things to all people. We aren’t designed for it.

TRUTH: You’re more than enough in Christ.

God designed us to be in a relationship with Him. He transcends time and place. He hems us in, behind and before. He’s the beginning and end. When our strength fails, He is steadfast. He doesn’t change like a shifting shadow but is the anchor for our souls. He is enough to pay (and carry) the weight of our sin and set us free. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:26

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you;  the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. - Psalm 139:7-12

LIE: I’m an imposter.

A conversation in a public restroom took a turn between the beige formica walls with a female acquaintance questioning if she was good enough to pursue a job to advance her career. She said: 

"I don't meet ALL the requirements." 

"I'm not sure I am what they are looking for." 

And then she started questioning herself, asking: "Am I even capable of the job?" 

Our thoughts can quickly dig at our capability and credibility. And “search firms confirm that women applying for jobs are often less assertive than men when it comes to declaring their qualifications…women are tentative when describing their skills and experience," according to leadership experts, Sally Helgesen & Marshall Goldsmith and authors of How Women Rise.

Harvard Business Review touts similarly. Women neglect to apply for roles because of a fear of failure and their low esteem of their capability (and achievement).

TRUTH: I’m qualified by Him who equips me.

Women aren’t the only ones who feel inadequate to the bone. Moses, the leader who freed the Israelites from the oppression of the Egyptians answered God’s charge at the burning bush with  “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” (Ex. 3:11)

God rebuts Moses’ inadequacies, but not with platitudes. He responds with encouragement through His presence, power and proof. God’s response is, “I will be with you.” Moses doesn’t have to go at it alone. God’s presence alone qualifies Moses for the task, not his innate abilities. 

God calls him to speak and not just to anyone, but in the court of the Egyptian King where fluency and eloquent speech are highly valued and displayed. It cuts to the very heart of Moses' lack, his slowness of speech and inarticulateness, that God planned to display His magnificent power to carry out his plan. When we aren’t enough, He is. He is the creator and doer of it all.

“Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf or seeing or blind? Is it not I the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” (Exodus 4:11 & 12)

“Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” - Exodus 4:12

LIE: You have to be perfect to be a good leader

Most high-achieving women didn’t get the memo that perfection is humanly unattainable. 

Caught in the perfection trap, try-hard striving is the natural mode of operation for most ambitious women. Endlessly trying to craft perfection out of the mess is exhausting, isn’t it?

It’s camping out in the details with unrealistic expectations that creates that ball of stress in your stomach and frenzies those around you. Let me be the first to welcome you to the imperfect club! We all have a membership.

TRUTH: Weak is strong.

Peel the layers of unrealistic expectations off yourself. While women may not see their natural giftings clearly, research shows female managers generally show greater empathy and emotional support while elevating career development and inclusivity compared to male counterparts. 

And remember: The only perfection that walked this earth is Jesus Christ. When we turned on Him, He turned toward us. He’s the perfect sacrifice for our wrongdoing and bent for self-rule, paying the ultimate price of death on a cross to bring us back to Himself.

Mistakes and failure are inevitable. We glorify His power, strength and saving grace through our weakness. When don’t have it (which when do we really?), He does.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. - 1 John 5:3-5

LIE: If I was more like her…

The yardstick of comparison is a dangerous one. She’s glossier, shinier and has the whole package. Her curated photos, fancy title, magnetic qualities and skyrocketing success, well it’s enough to stamp failure on your forehead before getting out of bed in the morning.

It’s tough not to put yourself into her career+life equation. “If I just had this, then [fill-in-the-blank] would be better.” It’s the oldest trick in the book that lies and breeds discontentment. Don’t take the bait.

TRUTH: I was made on purpose and for a purpose.

You are made with (and on) purpose. After God threw up the stars and galaxies, the waters and the animals, he made man in His image (Genesis 1:27). You bear the markings of God. Knit together, intricately woven (Psalm 139:15) in your mama’s womb, forming your inmost parts (Psalm 139:13), You are first and foremost fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) because you were His great idea! Full stop.

No need to look to the right or left if you are on the mark for your life. Look to Him, the one who made you. His word - the Bible - not the glow of social on your cell, is the proper lamp for your feet and light for your path (Psalm 119:105).

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. - Psalm 139: 13-16

We’re living out the icebreaker game “two truths and a lie” in real time. Know and speak what’s true to yourself. Over and over again. It’s time to dance to a new beat to break free from the lies within us and around us.

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